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IRS
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As income tax time approaches, did
you ever notice:
When you put the two words,
'The' and 'IRS'
together, it spells THEIRS?
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Da End is Near
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Posted July 13, 2009
Reverend
Boudreaux was the pastor of the local Cajun Baptist Church, and Pastor Thibodaux
was the minister of the Sacred Covenant Church across the
street. They were working together in
front of their respective churches, pounding a sign into the ground by the side
of the road, that read:
'Da End Is Near
Turn Yo Sef
'Roun Now
Afore It’s Too
Late!' As a car sped past them, the
driver leaned out his window and yelled, 'Pair of religious
nuts!'
From the curve they heard
screeching tires, and a big splash...
Boudreaux turns
to Thibodaux and asks, 'Do ya tink maybe da sign should jus say... 'Bridge
Out?'
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Souhen-isms
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Posted June 15, 2009
Suthen-isms:
____
Only a Southerner knows the difference between a
hissie fit and a
conniption fit, and that you don't
HAVE them, you PITCH them.
_____
Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard
greens, turnip greens,
peas, beans, etc., make up a mess.
_____
Only a Southerner can show or point
out to you the general direction of
yonder.
_____
Only a Southerner knows exactly how
long directly is, As in: 'Going to
town, be back directly.'
_____
Even Southern babies know that Gimme
some sugar is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that
sits in a pretty little bowl in the
middle of the table.
_____
All Southerners know exactly when by
and by is. They might not use the
term, but they know the concept well.
_____
Only a Southerner knows
instinctively that the best gesture of solace
for a neighbor who's got trouble is a whole messa
fried chicken and a
big bowl of cold potato salad. If
the neighbor's trouble is a real
crisis, they also know to add a
large banana puddin!
_____
Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference
between right near and a
right far piece. They also know that
just down the road a piece can be
anywhere from 1 to 20 miles.
_____
Only a Southerner, both knows and
understands, the difference between a
redneck and a good ol' boy.
_____
A Southerner knows that the word
fixin can be used as a noun, a verb, or
an adverb.
_____
Only Southerners make friends while
standing in lines, ... And when
we're 'in line,' we talk to
everybody!
_____
Put 100 Southerners in a room and
half of them will discover they're
related, even if only by marriage.
_____
In the South, y'all is singular, all
y'all is plural.
_____
Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat
them.
_____
Every Southerner knows tomatoes with
eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are
perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a
breakfast food; and
that fried green tomatoes are not a
breakfast food.
_____
When you hear someone say, 'I caught
myself lookin'', you know you are
in the presence of a genuine Southerner!
_____
Only true Southerners say sweet tea
and sweet milk. Sweet tea indicates
the need for sugar and lots of it -- we do not like
our tea unsweetened.
'Sweet milk' means you don't want
buttermilk.
_____
And a true Southerner knows you
don't scream obscenities at little old
ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say,
'well, bless her
heart' and go on your way.
_____
And to those of you who are still
having a hard time understanding all
this Southern stuff, ... bless your hearts, I hear
they're fixin' to
have classes on Southernness as a
second language!
------
And for those that are not from the South but have
lived here for a long
time, all y'all need a sign to hang
on y'alls front porch that reads 'I
ain't from the South, but I got here as fast as I
could.'
____________
Now...... Shugah, send this to someone who was raised
in the South or
wish they had been and If you're a Northern
transplant, Bless y'alls
heart. We know you got here as fast
as you could.
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From a Democrat
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Posted August 10, 2009
The $50
Lesson
I recently asked my friends'
little g irl what she wanted to be when she grows up.
She said she wanted to
be President some day.
Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing
there, so I asked her,
'If you were President what would be the first thing
you would do?'
She replied, 'I'd give food and houses to all the
homeless people.'
Her parents beamed.
'Wow...what a worthy
goal.' I told her, 'But you don't have to wait until
you're President to do
that. You can come over to my
house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and rake
my yard, and I'll pay you
$50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store
where the homeless guy hangs out,
and you can give him the $50 to use toward
food and a new house..'
She thought that over for a few seconds, then
she looked me straight
in the eye and asked, ' Why doesn't the homeless guy
come over
and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50? '
I
said, 'Welcome to the Republican Party.'
... Her parents still aren't
speaking to me. |
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Speeding...
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Posted August 15, 2009
A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the
dealership.Taking off down the road, he floored it to 90 mph, enjoying the wind
blowing through what little hair he had left.
'Amazing, he thought as
he flew down I-70, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear
view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren
blaring.
He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he
thought, 'What am I doing? I'm too old for this,' and pulled over to await the
trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to
the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, 'Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes.
Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never
heard before, I'll let you go.'
The old gentleman paused. Then said,
' Years ago, my wife ran off with a State Trooper. I thought you were bringing
her back.'
'Have a good day, sir,' replied the trooper..
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A woman's perspective
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Posted 22 August 2009
This is hilarious but so TRUE!!!
A
WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her
gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her
daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of
Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
Keep
reading below! - They get better!
WOMEN'S
REVENGE
'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items
the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a
remote control for a television set in her purse.
'So, do you always carry
your TV remote?' I asked.
'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come
shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to
him legally.'
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto
your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a
spider.
CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into
a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers
that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down
the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton
balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, Sir, I
thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, You see, it's
like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store
to get me a carton of
cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco
and some rolling
papers;
cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo
much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.
(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a
country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had
led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked
sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'
'Yep,' the wife replied,
'in-laws.'
WORDS
A husband read an article
to his wife about how many words women use a day. 30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything
to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked,
'What?'
CREATION
A man said to his wife one
day, 'I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same
time.
'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful
so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted
to you!
WHO DOES WHAT
A man
and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each
morning..
The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first,
and
then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, 'You
are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is
your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'
Wife replies,
'No, you
should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the
coffee.'
Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'
So she
fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of
several pages, that it indeed says .. 'HEBREWS'
The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were
having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent
treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized
that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him
at 5:00 AM for an
early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the
silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
'Please wake me at 5:00
AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man
awoke, only to find it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was
about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him,
when he noticed a piece
of paper by the bed..
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake
up."
Men are not equipped for
these kinds of contests.
God may have created man before woman, but
there's
always a rough draft before the masterpiece
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